By Amber Self Image Magazine
Severed & Sovereign Series
Have you ever been in a relationship where you genuinely thought that if you just tried harder, you could make it work? You convinced yourself that if you were just a little more patient, a little more supportive, or a little more indispensable, they would finally see you.
But the reality is this: It didn’t matter what you did. It didn’t matter how you moved. That person was never going to choose you in the first place.
This is what I call the “Pick Me” Era, and it is an era we have to release. To be Sovereign, you must first be willing to be Severed from the hope that is actually a cage.
The “Pick Me” Era
I think we all went through the era of the “Pick Me.” I used to be a “pick me” girl—and yes, “girl” was the right term because Women are not “pick me’s.” I used to want to please everyone, even when my values would be shoved aside. That validation from other people was what we all lived for; for your crush to notice and want you, you would do anything for a second of their attention.
It took a five-year relationship with a man who never even wanted to define it as a relationship for me to finally break free from the chains of my “pick me” era. I know a lot of my readers can relate to this. I see this in most relationships today—and not even just romantic ones.
I would clear my schedule for this man. I did 10 hours of research because I noticed a spot underneath his eye; he had gone to his provider about it and they had no idea what it was, until I found it and had him bring it to them. The provider confirmed that is what it was. Yet, this man would not even want to make confirmed plans with me. This man couldn’t even sit next to me at the same football game we both were at. This man treated me as if I meant nothing to him, and I still did everything for him.
The Breaking Point
Why would anyone stay in that toxic cycle? I asked myself the same question one day.
He blocked me after I posted a picture of us together on my Facebook page, but eventually, I found her. Someone he was in pictures with. I could tell the energy between them was different. I confronted him and he said that it wasn’t anything and they were just friends. He assured me I was the only person that he was with—but why would it matter? We “weren’t anything.”
I fought for a spot I never had. When I saw those pictures and got that reassurance from a man that never wanted me, I started to become even more depressed to the point I wanted it all to end.
I knew I needed to regain my composure and myself. I reached down into the most painful parts of my heart, pulled out the little bit of love that I had for myself, and said: This is enough. It was then he made plans with his new “friends” and cancelled plans with me. I was calm. I explained to him that he had a choice to make. I already knew his answer—I already knew what was going to happen—but I gave him the choice anyway. This wasn’t for him; this was for me. I needed to hear him say he chose them over me. I needed to hear that to break my heart.
Why would you want to do that, you may ask? I am a woman of certainty. I do not want any stone left unturned because if there was a sliver I did not explore, the door would be open for the future. When I gave him the ultimatum to choose friends that will throw him away once he doesn’t give them what they wanted, or choose the person who would spend 10 hours researching a skin issue she noticed just to make sure he was okay… he obviously chose them.
I laughed and said, “I hope you don’t regret your decision because you will no longer have access to me.” Then I hung up.
The Return of the Sun
In that moment, I knew he made the wrong choice, and at that very moment, I turned into a woman that was no longer going to settle for being someone’s secret or trophy.
You would think that I didn’t have any other “choices” but him, but I turned away so many great people for him. It wasn’t about who was better or the “chase” for me; it was about our original connection that I thought we had. This man was not my type at all when it came down to looks, but we would be able to talk all night and not get any sleep just to do it all again the next night. We were always astonished by how much we had to talk about and how fast the time flew.
All of that time was wasted on him, though.
Someone actually wanted to be exclusive with me and I chose a person who couldn’t even define what we were.
Once I walked away, I could breathe again. I no longer wanted to end everything; it was like the sun was finally shining through my heart again and I could feel the heat after being locked in a cellar for five years. I was finally free. What I learned from him was that a man that is not ready for you does not really want you. Actions are what show how people value you, not their words.
And lastly: a “pick me” may get what they want, but it never truly is what they want.
The Standard and the Soul Connection
Right after that, I actually was united with my person, and I knew I was going to marry him. He passed away in 2020 with a lot of words and actions unspoken. That man knew exactly how to love me and what not to settle for ever again. He spoke with intention and transparency. He discussed his plans with me and never left me in the dark about where I stood in his life. He made sure to tell me, even when I didn’t say it, that he knew he meant the world to me.
Which brings us back to today. I dated after him but never really opened my heart back up. I would have been a great partner to anyone and never tended to lead anyone astray, but I never thought I could ever feel for another man again.
Until him. I don’t know what it was, but I was 4000% sure he was my person and that he was meant to be in my life. Everything about him—down to his eyes, his smile, his hair, and his shape—but honestly, I didn’t even notice any of that until after I noticed his mannerisms towards me and when our eyes locked. I felt like I knew him my whole life and lifetimes before that. I saw things most people would just brush off as crazy, but to me, I had absolutely no doubt that we were made for each other. At first it was scary because this person would have the power to destroy my whole world with just one word. I didn’t shy away from it, though; I know that I have the purest intentions and that I wouldn’t intentionally mess anything up.
I also knew that what is meant for me will not surpass me.
The Final Severing
I did everything I needed to do. I gave him an invite. I stayed in an environment that was literally trying to kill me so that I could try to build the connection. When I knew I couldn’t stay in that environment any longer, I handed him my olive branch and told him I liked him.
I was rejected—not harshly, but rejected nonetheless. I said “Okay” while releasing my breath and turning to walk away.
Then the “ROM-COM” moment came—where he tried to keep me tethered and hooked while the elevator doors closed, making it our final moment. I used to think he kept the door opened a little because he was planning to come through it. I realized later that I was waiting for the same warmth I gave to him while I was standing in a snowstorm, becoming an ice cube from the coldness of the reality I was facing.
I asked for action or closure and I ended up with a confusing message. I waited a couple of weeks for them to sort out what was happening in their life. Then I walked away. I never could fully release it, though—especially when the ghost of them appeared on my social media.
This made me realize that I always held onto the hope because I never got that certainty. Now, I release it. The certainty is going to be written with each step I take forward where he is not present. My smile is returning to my face and my heart is opening up to new adventures. He is choosing every day to not be a part of my world while he is comfortable watching the character I created for the world from the sidelines.
If he is okay never really knowing who I am, I am okay letting him never know who I really am. It is his choice—that is closure enough.
The Symphony
As I am closing this chapter in my life, I am reflecting on the woman I have become. Even in this last chapter, I have proven that I am no longer a “pick me.” I am a “meet me where I am at—or you will lose the seat at my table.”
Although I am not begging to be picked, the reality is that I am allowing myself to grieve the soul connection I had felt from day one. I am allowing myself to detach and release what does not want to be held by me. One day, he will become a distant hum to the beautiful curated symphony I have created.
I tell this story because I know that I am not the only one that has held onto things and people of the past. It is okay to let go. People and things can hold us in a place where we are stuck and not growing; it can hinder our progression and purpose.
I know that whatever is meant to be in your life will be in your life at the time it is supposed to be. If you hold onto it too tight, you’re not allowing it the room it needs to grow and become what you need it to be in order to show up correctly in your life.
Self Image 