By Amber Self Image Magazine
Part 1: The Grooming and the First Red Flag
In the beginning, I didn’t see a predator; I saw a man who seemed to want me more than anyone ever had. I was naive—this was my first real relationship—and I mistook his relentless persistence for a deep, rare interest. My better judgment told me “no” at first, but he wore me down. Our very first date was supposed to be a movie together, but instead of waiting for me, he went ahead and watched it alone. When he told me, I didn’t want to make a big deal out of it or ruin our time, so I just said, “Oh, okay.” I allowed him to reframe his disrespect as “excitement.” I didn’t realize I was already being trained to overlook my own needs to accommodate his.
Part 2: The Wedge and the Financial Trap
The fog of confusion thickened quickly. He started talking about a woman from his past, claiming he was still in love with her. I told him clearly that I didn’t want him to go see her alone because I wanted to protect our relationship. He took that boundary and twisted it; he took his cousin with him to see her so he could say he wasn’t “alone,” even though he knew exactly what I meant. Later, she reached out and told me that while they were there, he had whispered in her ear—confessing that he wished he had waited for her. When I questioned him, he denied it so convincingly that I began to doubt my own reality.I chalked it up to her being jealous. Then later he told me he would just hide his contact with her from me, making my awareness of his betrayal the problem.
I tried to leave, he physically blocked me. That became the norm. He would step in front of me, using his size to ensure I could not leave the room or get to my car. Then, he would shift, apologize, and “smooth things over” just so I would crave peace again. He isolated me from my friends and family by using Reactive Abuse, pushing me until I snapped and then telling everyone I was the “crazy” one. Eventually, he convinced me too. I started to believe I was the bad person and would apologize for everything just to stop the drama.
Once he had managed my mind, he began the Financial Harvest. He convinced me to put things on my credit cards, promising he would make the payments, but he never did. Because of my integrity, I worked and suffered to pay those bills while he enjoyed the benefits. When we got an apartment, his name was on the lease, but he moved out and refused to pay a dime, forcing me to pay his share just to protect my record.
Throughout five years, he extracted nearly $20,000 from my future. He even tried to “buy” a car system from me, made one tiny payment to make it look legal, and then just took it. He was a parasite who convinced the host she was the one who was weak, even though I was the one funding his entire life.
Part 3: Survival—The Siege and the Stillness
The management eventually turned into a physical war. He was over 200 pounds, and I was only 110. He would push me against walls and scream in my face until the night he finally put his hands around my neck. In that moment, I used Strategic Stillness. I went limp, feigning death, and took tiny, imperceptible pulses of air—breaths so shallow they wouldn’t move my chest—until I heard him panic.
The next day, he jumped on my chest in the apartment, bouncing his weight to crush me. I managed to kick him off. He immediately pivoted to a suicide threat, claiming he would crash his car into a tree. As I sat on the floor blocking the door to save his life, he cocked his knee back and drove it into my mouth. I woke up on the bathroom floor alone and bleeding. I drove myself to get help and I was driven to the hospital, but I sat there and lied- “I tripped”. I was so terrified of the police because he had convinced me I was the bad person. I thought if I spoke the truth, I would be the one going to jail.
Part 4: The Final Break—The Reclamation
I started to make friends again, but it was a life-or-death risk. I would hide my phone in the shower just to speak to a world where I wasn’t “bad.” When he burst in and pushed me down into the shower stall, I lied to protect my only bridge to freedom. The end finally came when I walked through the door and found him demanding to know where I had been. I didn’t apologize. I just said, “I just need you to get your stuff and get out of here.”
Even when he threatened to shoot me, I felt a strange peace. I told him to go ahead—I’d rather be dead than spend another second with him. After I was out, his new girlfriend reached out, and I realized he was playing the same “crazy ex” script with her. I showed her the truth and walked away. When he finally gave me back my key and tried for one last hug, I looked at him and said, “I forgive you.” It wasn’t for him; it was for me. I didn’t want to hold any debt for him anymore. I took my key, turned away, and said:
“I’m happy now.”
A Guide to Breaking the Cycle
The Sign:
The “Cool Person” Test 😎
The Reality:
They test your boundaries with small disrespects—like watching a movie without you—reframed as “excitement.” They are gauging your tolerance for being ignored to see how much you’ll let slide.
How to Break the Cycle:
Stop being “cool.” Call it out immediately. If they dismiss your feelings, walk away. Don’t “smooth it over” for the sake of peace.
The Sign:
The “Loophole” Logic ⭕️
The Reality:
They break the spirit of a boundary while technically following the “letter” of it (like taking a cousin to see an ex). This is “managing” you. They are proving their desires are more important than your rules.
How to Break the Cycle:
Hold the line. Do not argue the “logic.” Say: “You knew what I meant, and you chose to ignore it.” If the boundary isn’t respected, the relationship shouldn’t be either.
The Sign: Blatant Denial (Gaslighting)💡
The Reality:
They do something right in front of you and then call you “crazy” for seeing it. They are trying to break your connection to your own senses so you have to rely on their reality.
How to Break the Cycle:
Believe your eyes. Stop trying to “prove” it to them; they will never admit it. Say: “I know what I saw, and I’m not discussing it further.” Your reality is not up for debate.
The Sign:
Reactive Abuse & Isolation ☢️
The Reality:
They push you until you snap, then tell everyone you are the “crazy” one. They are destroying your support system and making you believe you are the villain so you won’t ask for help.
How to Break the Cycle:
Choose the “villain” role. Stop apologizing for reacting to abuse. Tell your friends the truth. It is okay to be the “bad person” in their story if it means you are free.
The Sign:
The Financial Anchor ⚓️
The Reality:
They put debts in your name or take your resources with empty promises to pay. They are building a financial chain so that leaving feels like financial ruin.
How to Break the Cycle:
Close the ledger. Stop funding their life. Secure your credit and realize that your future is worth more than the money they took.
The Sign:
Physical Positioning 🥅
The Reality:
They consistently stand between you and the door or your car during arguments. This is a non-verbal threat. They are showing you that you are not free to leave.
How to Break the Cycle:
Recognize the siege. This is no longer an argument; it is a physical threat. Document the behavior and plan your exit in silence.
Conclusion:
Believe Your Eyes
When you are being gaslit, the most revolutionary thing you can do is believe in what you see. You have to believe your eyes and your gut over the lies they are telling you. You cannot wait for them to admit the truth; they never will.
If you see even a “little glimmer” of these signs—even if it seems minute—you need to have the strength to say: “No. I am not going down this path.” You do not owe anyone a “second chance” at your life.
The goal of this article is to point out the architecture of the trap so you can recognize it while the door is still unlocked. If I had heard this story in my first relationship, I would have realized that my “niceness” was being used to keep me in a cage.
When you see the signs, you must leave. There is a reason you feel that knot in your stomach, and there is a reason the “little things” feel wrong—it is because your life depends, or could depend, on it. Choose yourself. Believe your eyes. Get out.
Self Image 